Guide to new homeowners Pt 2

I’m going to title this part “The un-structions”

See, INstructions are for when you want to teach someone how to do something.  UNstructuctions are for when you want to teach someone how to NOT do something.

The people that moved out of our house were STRANGE.  They took the Mini Blinds, but not the brackets that attach them to the wall.  They took some phone jack faceplates…not the actual jack itself, just the faceplate.  They took the $2 glass bowl shaped light covers. 

I had the task of replacing the light covers.  I measured the ones that were the ball type and ran to the hardware store.  Three ball shaped light covers, and of the 5 of the flatter plate looking ones later I was heading back to the house.

The one in the hall, front and back entryways, and the three in the bedrooms I could reach standing in the floor. 

The one in the dining room and kitchen I could not reach.  In the dining room I stood on a chair and easily reached it.

The one in the kitchen I could not reach from the chair.  I do not have a ladder.  Allow me to lay out the decision I faced, knowing what I know now.

Option 1: Buy a ladder.
Steps needed for this option:
1) Bring the ladder into the room and set up.
2) Ascend the ladder and install the light cover
3) Descend the ladder and put it away.
4) Win.

The costs for this option are as follows:
$2 for the light cover.
$92 for a cheap ladder
Total: $94
Option 2: Don’t buy a ladder
Steps needed for this option:
1) Try standing on a dining room chair.
2) Try standing on a phone book on a dining room chair.
3) Stack a cooler on the first chair, and get a second chair to use as a step up.
4) When the cooler slides sideways make an un-planned descent to the soft tile floor, pausing only to smack your wrist on the edge of the counter and your ribs on the back of the chair.  Don’t worry, your ankle will break your fall.
5) Lay on the floor with the wind knocked out of you gasping like a goldfish on the sidewalk.
6) Finally regain enough air to let out a scream only rivaled in pitch by those of a 12 year old girl announcing to everyone in a 12 block radius your discomfort.
7) Lay there until you are convinced that you have no spinal injury.
Spend 3 minutes in the process of standing up.
9) Have your wife puts her arm around you to help you walk to the couch
10) When your ankle gives out, make sure to have her grab your highly bruised ribs to catch you.  That reminds you that you are still alive.
11) Have her drive you to the after hours Dr. office to get checked out.
12) Spend three hours there to be told after much poking and prodding that you have a sprained ankle but that your ribs and wrist are only bruised. 
13) Go home.
14) The next day with a tightly wrapped ankle head back to the hardware store to buy a new light cover, and a ladder.
15) Bring the ladder into the room and set up.
16) Ascend the ladder and install the light cover
17) Descend the ladder and put it away.
18) Win.

The costs for this option are as follows:
$2 for the light cover.
$145 for a ladder, the cheap one from the day before was out of stock.
$2 for the replacement light cover.
$198 for an office call and X-ray, had to pay cash since you have not covered your deductible yet.
$46 for the pain killer, ace wrap, and good ice pack.
Total: $393
Guess which option I chose.

(p.s. climbing a ladder when on crutches….NOT EASY)

Things I have learned having owned my own home for almost exactly one week

1) It is NOT supposed to rain in your bathroom.  A friend was fixing the sink.  He soldered the shut off valve into the pipe and then went to turn the water on to see if it leaked.  The solder had not bonded well enough to the pipe so it burst off the end.  It is STUNNING how much water comes out of a 1/2″ pipe in about the 10 seconds of me screaming at the top of my lungs to turn off the water.

2) Posting “Free moving boxes on my porch” on Craigslist = Good.  Getting rid of the boxes we took 2 months to gather was done in one day.

3) Posting “Free moving boxes on porch” on Craigslist at 8am when you don’t get home until 5pm = BAD.  I got 5 nasty e-mails before I got home saying that they were gone.

4) A piece of sandpaper can make you stop thinking your wife bought an attack dog.  My front door was too tight.  When it opened it made a strange noise that sounded like a surprised dog barking as it scrambled to its feet in throat attack mode.  A good sanding took care of that.

5) Make Lists.  LOTS OF LISTS.  Make a “To do this week” list, a “To do this month” this week, and a “To do this year” list. If possible write out how much time and money it will take.  This stops a lot of miscommunication.  When you say “we need to fix that board” and you mean sometime before Thanksgiving and she thinks you are stopping on your way home from work.

6) BUY A LADDER.  There are Many tall things in your house.  If nothing else, there are light bulbs that are too high to reach.  Trying to change a light bulb while standing on a toolbox, stacked on a cooler, sitting on a chair is a sure way to test the limits of your medical insurance.

7) Buy Flashlights.  There are dark places even when the power is on.  Fishing around behind the entertainment center looking for that screw your wife dropped while installing curtains is a PAIN in the dark.

Store a little water before turning off the water to do some plumbing.  We had to turn it off for a couple hours during the move.  We had bottled water to drink, but it sucks to dump expensive bottled water over your hands to wash them.  A Cooler works GREAT.  We filled our cooler with water and left it on the edge of the porch.  When someone needed to wash their hands someone came out and opened the drain hole and the other person could wash their hands, or something they dropped. 

9) Write a list of which pizza places deliver to your new house.  Nothing is as frustrating as having to call 5 different Dominoes to find the ONE that delivers to you….except having to do it again the next day because your dumb butt forgot to write it down. 

10) Five Words that will save your life.  YES DEAR, THAT LOOKS GREAT.  Moving is frustrating.  Things being disorganized is frustrating.  Things being un-completed is frustrating.  I don’t care if she hangs up power ranger curtains with an art deco interior and covers everything with lace doilies.  The correct answer is “Yes dear, that looks great”.

As Smooth as greased sandpaper

So, we closed on our house last week, and got keys on Thursday.  We and 6 of our friends moved everything we own this weekend.  The Cable and internet got transferred, the power, gas, and water got turned on.  Smooth.

One of my wife’s friends brought her husband.  He is a handyman.  He worked on our two bathroom sinks that had a leak.  We had an issue because he did not have any gear to work with copper and that is what we have.  We had to go buy everything.  No problem.  The only SNAFU was when he turned the water on and the fitting he had just installed blew off the end of the pipe.  It rained in our bathroom.  FYI for those of you that do not own a home, it is NOT supposed to rain in the bathroom.

The beginning of an era.

Well.  It is finally happening. 

Tomorrow at 4pm I become a homeowner.  We are closing on our house tomorrow.

For those of you that have not went thru the FHA loan process, my not so subtle friend paraphrased it quite well when I was telling him everything we went thru “They get all up in your shit”

As an example:
About 6 months ago my wife had some medical issues and the bills ate up our savings.  The week we were getting the loan I mentioned to my dad that the fact that we had no savings was hurting us.  He said “Let me call you back”.  He called me back and explained that they intended on bringing me $2000 as a housewarming gift for a nest egg.  Since it would help our loan he sped up the process, and they wired the money directly into my bank account. 

Actually, (and this part is important later) He had to work that day and could not make it to the bank to do the transfer, so he went online and transferred $2000 from his savings to his checking, then write a $2000 check to my mom.  She took that check to her bank (their joint account), deposited it, and then wired it to me. 

Cool.

We had to send over our bank statements to the loan processor.  They asked about the $2000 deposit.  I explained that it was a gift from my parents.  They sent my dad a little letter to sign that simply said “This $2000 was a gift, and is not expected to be re-payed”. 

Cool.

Then, a week later we get a call from the loan guy.  “I need a copy of the canceled check from your dad.”  I told them that I did not receive a check, but that they had wired the money to me since they live 2 hours away.  They said “Oh, then I need a copy of the bank statement from the account that the wire came from.” 

I sent got that and sent that to them.

Then they said “why is there a deposit of $2000 just before the transfer?”  so I re-explained the timeline of what happened.  Then they asked for a copy of his bank statement.  On the bank statement it had two relevant lines “transfer from savings $2000″, then “check #XXXX $2000″.  I got a copy of that and sent that to them.

Then they came back “it says on there “transfer from savings” I’m going to need a statement from the savings account”.  So I got a copy of my dad’s savings account statement and sent it. 

Then they came back “I need to get a copy of the cleared check.” 

That was the straw that broke the camels back, because his bank does not return those, and they require you to come down in person and request a copy, and they charge $15 a page to print them off, and they charge $5 to fax them.  So, this would require my dad to leave work 1.5 hours early, drive home (he works 60 miles from home), go to the bank, and pay $20 to get it faxed to me. 

I was not happy.

I e-mailed the loan processor.  “Getting a copy of the cleared check will cost us $60 in lost wages and $20 to get the copy.  Do we really need this?  Are the 12 pages of bank statements, and the letter saying this was a gift not enough?  If I knew that this was going to be such a hassle I would have asked for cash.”

They replied “I apologize that you are frustrated regarding what is required for the gift.  Cash would be unacceptable for the fact we wouldn’t be able to verify where the cash came from.  We need this to make sure that nothing suspicious of being illegal is going on.”

I AB-SO-FUCK-ING-LUTE-LY lost it.  The following is my response to them.

————————————————————–
Ok, I just called my dad about this.  He is going to leave work 2 hours early so he can get a copy of this check.

He is very upset that he had to provide you with his name, address, bank account numbers, and social security number.  That is a lot of sensitive account information for a loan that he is not applying for.  That fear was not helped when he was at the credit union and told them what all this was for and they got a very worried look and said that this is not normal.  Their advice was to walk away from the deal, and that there is no reason for you to require all of his very personal information, and that by giving it all up to you he is exposing himself to rely on your security to protect against identity theft.

I have to be honest and say that I agree that it seems strange that you require so much very sensitive information for a gift.  A gift from a father to his newly married son that is buying his first house.  On top of the un-questionable circumstances, look at the amount.  If this was $50,000 then I would certainly understand the questioning.  If it was $10,000 I would understand that being something that would warrant a second glance…but this is $2000.  How is a $2000 gift from father to son, when that son is buying his first house something that is even vaguely suspicious? 

I hope you do not ask for more information about this $2000, although I can not possibly know what more information you could possibly even hope to glean about it.  Perhaps I could go have the local police fingerprint the teller that took the check from my mom.  Should I send a urine sample?  Perhaps a DNA sample from the teller that completed the wire transfer?  My fathers timecards to prove that he actually worked the hours he worked to earn that money?  A sworn statement from co-workers that he was actually there during the hours that his timecard say he was? 

We have provided the following:

-Our Savings statement
-Our Checking statement
-My Dad’s Savings statement
-My Dad’s checking statement
-My Mom’s checking statement
-A receipt for the wire transfer
-The cleared check (on its way)
-A letter from my dad saying that the money was a gift.
-A legal form from my dad saying that the money was a gift.

I am hoping to consider the matter of this gift closed.  If by some bizarre chance you can imagine any more information you would like about a simple gift from father to son, please let me know and I will withdraw the money immediately and spend it.  Then, the matter will be settled because it will not be able to be considered in the loan. 

Thank you for your time.

—————————————————————–

I sent that to the loan processor that has been asking for all this info, and also the Senior Loan Officer that is handling our account. 

I got a call about 15 minutes later from the Senior Loan Officer.  He said “do not worry about the cleared check.  I will take care of that.  They do not need that to complete this.”  Then 15 minutes later I got an e-mail that as an apology he is going to pay for our appraisal out of the closing costs. 

That helped.

The ranks are swelling.

When I started my guild we had three people.  All of us were guildies from WOW.  We have been together for 4 years now.  One of the two others were my WOW guild leader.

A week later my old guild leader was online and met a nice guy.  She invited him to the guild.  His wife logged on and got invited too.  So, we were up to 5 members.

Then a week later we were in TS and one of our WOW guildies came into TS.  We chatted about Conan.  “Stop talking, I can’t afford it.” was the reply. 

The next day he was in the guild and level 13. 

I was fighting these really hard mobs and getting my butt handed to me.  There was a guy doing the same thing.  We joined up and double teamed the hard mobs.  He was good.  We gout a 7th guild member. 

Last night three of us were playing together.  We were sweeping thru a zone hitting all the quests that we forgot to do, or could not solo.  We got to a camp to kill a boss (hogger like). He was dead so we sat there waiting for him to re-spawn.  Another guy came up and asked to join in for the kill.  I invited him.  He did very well.  He followed us around the zone for an hour and a half.  One mob dropped a piece of plate and he is a tank. 

He said “do you mind if I greed roll on this?”

Me: Can’t you use it?

Him: Yes, it is a good upgrade.

Me: Then yes you can need it….wait a minute…you said “can I greed it?”  Did you mean to say need? 

Him: well, since you guys were nice enough to let me tag along I have been passing on everything.

Me: hmm…  we need to do something here.  First, accept this. (I sent him a guild invite).  Second, from now on you greed roll on EVERYTHING.  If it is something that you can equip and would be an upgrade then I you MUST Need roll.  Third, that is one of the best attitudes I have seen in a long time.  Keep that attitude and you will do Very well with us. 

Him: Wow.  Sweet, thanks.

Me: Also, I demand that you visit the guild bank.  Take everything you can equip that is even the most minor upgrade. 

He got three really great blues that had been collecting dust.  We got a very loyal and talented 8th guild member. 

I am kind of liking being a guild leader.

Death becomes me

In Conan when you die you drop a headstone.  When you rez you have a small debuff for 30 minutes.  If you get to your headstone and click on it the debuff is removed.  The debuff can stack up to three times.  There are no repair costs or exp loss for dying. 

There is some strategy to dying.

1) If you are in a fight and it looks like it may go sour RUN.  Dying in the middle of a camp means having to fight back into the camp to get your headstone.  Training 4-5 mobs out of a camp in a death flee and dying on the edge of camp makes it MUCH easier to get back to the headstone.

2) If you ARE fighting your way back to the headstone, when you get close charge over and click on it, even mid combat.  This will remove the debuff making you stronger.  Also, if you die you then only have one debuff again, not two. 

3) If you die the log out, your headstone disappears forcing you to wait out the 30 minute debuff.

4) If you find yourself with a headstone in a place you can not reach, die three times close to the rez spot.  The third time you die it will overwrite the first one and drop a new headstone you can reach. 

5) When you die you get to choose where to rez, as long as it is in that zone.  Most zones have 3-5 rez spots.  You can use death as a transporter.  If you are deep in a territory with full bags, rather than hiking across the whole zone back to town to dump them, die and rez back at town.  Dump your bags and run back.  This saves you half the run. 

6) If you find yourself having to log out and still have an outstanding headstone, find a safe place and go AFK.  You will be kicked after about 10 minutes, but that is 10 less minutes of debuff when you get back.

7) Anything that leaves a DOT remains on a mob after you die.  If you use anything that leaves a DOT and your team mates are still fighting, then you are still doing damage.  Also, when soloing, your DOT can kill a mob after your death.  They do not start to re-gen and reset until your DOT runs its course.  So, if you are going down, throw your longest DOT and that may be enough to get the mob. 

Any debuff’s that you leave on the mob persist thru your death until the mob dies or is reset.  So, if you have teammates, dropping a debuff on a mob when you are close to death is not a waste.  The longer the better.

9) All buffs and stances are removed upon death.  Do not forget to re-apply them.

10) There is no #10, but I thought it was strange to end a list at #9.

Sins of the father

So, I did something that I never thought I would have do, or at least not this soon.  I /Gkicked someone from my Conan guild.

 

We have a guild with a blustering 7 human players (20+ toons).    I was playing with someone last week that was pretty good.  They said that they used to be a MT in a WOW guild.  He was not in a guild, so I invited him to the guild.  He played with us a couple times, and a couple times with my WOW guild leader alone.  After a week we invited him to join us on TS.

 

Then I was presented with something that I had almost forgotten about, because my WOW guild was all older.  The Nasaly pre-pubesent voice that NEVER SHUT UP. 

 

Three times I asked him to only talk when it was necessary.  No we do not have You gee oh cards.  No we don’t have a dirtbike.  I don’t really care that it is 8pm and you just had a Mt Dew, and you are going to be awake ALL NIGHT.  No I don’t want to know what your dog just ate.  Not really interested in how unfair your math teacher is.  A 20 minute rant about how the colors of the ninja turtles are not right….

 

GGGAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

 

I muted him.  I told him that I muted him and that if he wanted to say something he had to type it.  I told him that the next day I would un-mute him. 

 

My WOW guild leader was playing with me.  She sent me a tell

 

“He is sad and thinks you hate him.  I told him that you are just a grouchy old dog, and he is a playful pup, and that he should pay attention to you.”

 

So, yesterday he got online.   I un-muted him.  It was just him and I.  I gave him a quick rundown of TS etiquette. 

 

-Your ability to speak is earned.  It is earned with time.  When I say time I mean more months than you can count on one hand. 

 

-Talking is 100% always ok when it is relative to someone else in the game, and that it is an emergency.  For example: Hey, we have a patrol coming.  That is GREAT to say on TS.  For example: Man, my math teacher sucks.  Not an emergency, or even relevant to anyone else.  Odds are I will never come within 1000 miles of your math teacher. 

 

-Talking is USUALLY ok when it is not an emergency, but is still relative to the game.  For example, telling someone about changes in the latest patch, or how to deal with a particular bad guy is ok 99% of the time. If there is a fight going on then it should wait.

 

- Talking is SOMETIMES ok when it is not relevant to the game.  For example, telling us a story that has entertainment value when we are not focusing on playing is probably ok.  Telling me a story about how some kid in home EC put chili powder in cookies, great.  Telling me that your teacher sucks because you earned a D on a test, not great.  That is not entertaining, it is sad.  It makes me think you are challenged, and that I should encourage you to stop playing and go do your math homework…that or start giving you math questions to do for guild homework.

 

-Talking is NOT ok when fights are happening unless it is an emergency that is relevant to that fight, or more important than that fight (i.e. BRB getting arrested).

 

-Telling stories is NOT ok when you have been warned that people are being annoyed.

 

So, we had this little heart to heart.  He was very agreeable.  He soaked everything up, and responded positively. 

 

I was so proud.

 

Later last night 4 of us were playing together.  He got a little excited and was blubbering at the mouth.  I sent him a tell very gently reminding him of our talk.  He quieted right down.  He started to get riled up again.  I verbally asked him to tone it down a little.  He did.  5 minutes later he was talking non-stop.  I interrupted.  I said “I’m muting you again for the night.  Write out anything you would like to say.”

 

Two minutes later I get a message in guild chat

 

Kid: please un-mute me.

 

Me: (who am I to refuse a kind question) Are you going to be a little more quiet?

 

Kid: This is [kid]’s father.

 

I un-muted him.

 

Dad: I want to know what you were doing to my son?

 

Me: Well, he was talking excessively.  I warned him.  I explained how to act appropriately.  I warned him two more times.  Then I muted him. 

 

Dad: That is unacceptable.  I pay so he can play this game.  You have no legal right to stop him from playing it.

 

Me: I’m sorry sir, you have been mis-informed.  This voice chat is a completely separate program.  It is a server based voice chat room.  I pay for the server, so technically, I’m paying for him to be able to talk to me.  I choose to stop doing so if he was not going to be respectful enough to obey the rules. 

 

Dad: I demand that you un-mute him permanently. 

 

Me: ok.  Consider yourself permanently un-muted, but also permanently banned. 

 

Dad: You can’t do that, I pay for him to play this game.

 

Me: Again, I’m have no authority, nor ability, nor desire to kick him out of Age of Conan. I’m simply kicking him out of my own personal voice server. 

 

Dad: You can’t do that. 

 

Me: no….you can’t STOP me from doing that.

 

I Kicked the kid.  I do not have the authority to ban him (long story), but I can change the password.  So, I kicked him then changed the password.

 

The dad continued to write some pretty mean messages in guild chat.  So, I guild kicked him. 

 

20 minutes later the kid sent me a tell. “My dad is a jerk.  I’m sorry.  I was upset that I could not talk again and so I told him about it and he blew up.”

 

I re-invited him to the guild.  I think I may give him voice rights tomorrow, but that is up to him.